As i watched the opening ceremony of the asian youth games today, and saw the wonderful melodies churned out by SNYO, i have to ask myself..will i ever get a chance to play with these elite young musicians in my life??
Before the convo tonight with Valerie, i still harbour the hope, harbour the wish that i will get a chance to play with them, to make music with them and to become one of them
After the convo tonight, i realized that i have minimal chance, minimal hope of getting into YO anytime soon..given that there is/will be a Berlin trip next year, i really must make my choice..whether to stay with them, or to quit and concentrate on RJCSB, on my studies, on making RJ trombones good again..
I had believed that i would be able to juggle my studies and my work when i joined YS..how wrong can i be...for this upcomming common tests, i had neither prepared as hard as i liked as as much as i would have liked for them..of all my 4 subjects,i can only safely say that maths is my most confident one of them all, and yet, im still not certain of that A..when i entered RI as a sec1, i made a vow that no matter how hard the paper is, no matter how others fare, i myself must not set my standards against them..i must start my standards against the impossible, against the top..then will i improve..this is the same for my studies, the same for my music
Am i a worse player than Valerie? To be honest, i do not believe that to be the case..i have my own strengths, she has her strengths, but yet, YO seems to "value"her more than me..ok, maybe im just being paranoid that she got called up to go for AYG and yet i didnt..maybe the fact that being called up shows how much attention that the music director has given you isnt really an indication of how good you are...maybe she was called up cuz shes a female and YO wants some balance..wadever the reasons are, the facts are there for all to see..theres much for me to improve, to work on my weaknesses and make them my strengths..to make valerie's strengths my strengths and to make her weaknesses absent from my playing..maybe i should start taking practices more seriously from now on..maybe its time to spam pracs again..wadever it is, if you want to do it, do it good..or dunt do it at all..cuz its a waste of time if you do it..
